My dad was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer last year. When he passed away in January this year, reality finally hit me. Despite knowing the cancer was going to kill him, we didn’t expect him to go so soon. Thankfully, his death was peaceful and he was spared the horrific pain we’d seen others go through.
But the suddenness of his death meant nothing practical had been sorted out. Dad was the primary carer for my mum, who has supra nuclear palsy. There was so much he did for her that he didn’t have time to share and, as an only child, it all fell to me when he was gone.
Although my mum had been poorly for a number of years, we only found out in November what was really going on. Her diagnosis gave me yet another research job, which soon made it clear that she was going to deteriorate rapidly too.
My mum entered hospital a week after my dad passed away. Part of her disease means she can’t think broadly – unless she’s asked a specific question, she can’t tell you anything hurts or is wrong. One morning, while I was planning my dad’s funeral, I found her on the floor. I rang an ambulance which took her to hospital, where we found out she had sepsis. She’d ignored a water infection which had spread up into her bladder, kidneys and lung. 24 hours later and she’d have been dead – always a useful thing to hear from a paramedic when you’re already terrified!
Sharing the load
I thought I was the only one going through what felt like hell, completely making it up as I went along. But that’s where PACT came in. Nobody’s experiences are the same, but there are similarities – like the complexities of caring – that bring us together and form the basis of a strong support network. We’re all there for each other, whether it’s just a silly picture, a hug or some treats when we’re having a hard day.
The past eight months have been tough to put it lightly. I’ve lost my dad and brought my mum back from the brink of death, while running two households and darting between both to care for our family pets. I’ve been trying to register for probate and navigating the wonders of the social care system, without having any idea what I’m doing. Working full time alongside all that would take its toll on anyone’s mental health, and it’s stretched me in a way I never thought possible.
A positive view
That stretch has taught me a huge amount about what you can do when you put your mind to it. I’ve realised how important it is to have people I can ask for help. I’ve learnt how important it is to give myself a bit of a break from time to time, and hold onto the happy things in life. Ultimately I’ve learnt that it’s all about perspective; I’ve got friends I know will be there for me for years to come, and that makes the future much brighter than it seemed a few months ago.
If you’ve got caring responsibilities, might have them in the future or are managing someone with caring responsibilities come and get in touch with us at PACT. Although our experiences are all different we know what it’s like and are always here to support.
Lean Operations Manager
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